Are You Talking About Your Feelings... Instead of Actually Feeling Them?

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Some people cry. Some people yell. And some people...explain... If you’ve ever found yourself breaking down your emotions like a PowerPoint presentation, quoting research, rattling off therapy jargon, or analyzing why you’re sad without ever actually letting yourself be sad, you might be an “intellectualizer.” And hey, no shame here. You’re in good company. I’ve got plenty of clients (and honestly, moments myself) where feelings turn into a TED Talk instead of an actual feeling.

What Does It Mean to “Intellectualize”?

Intellectualizing is when we lean on our intellect to explain feelings rather than experience them. It’s like building a mental fortress around your heart. You can describe every detail of the castle, but you won’t let anyone through the gate. Instead of saying, “I feel devastated,” an intellectualizer might say, “Well, based on my attachment style and family of origin, it makes sense that I react this way.” Like... okay, true. But notice how that answer keeps you at a safe, skillful distance? That’s the trick: you sound emotionally fluent, but you’ve skipped the actual vulnerability!

Why We Do It:

We don’t wake up one morning and think, “You know what? I’m going to over explain my sadness for the rest of my life.” Intellectualizing usually shows up because it worked once upon a time. Maybe feelings weren’t safe in your family. Maybe logic helped you avoid rejection or criticism. Or maybe emotions just feel like a messy jungle, and you’d rather stay on the trail with a clipboard. It’s survival. It’s protection. But survival mode strategies don’t always translate into living your best life.

The Cost of Over-Explaining:

Here’s the kicker- living in your head too much creates distance between you and your actual self, and between you and the people you care about. You might know you’re sad, but never really let yourself cry. You might understand your trauma down to the wiring diagram yet still feel stuck. It’s like trying to learn how to swim by reading the manual, while sitting poolside. At some point, you have to get in the water!

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What to Do About It:

Catch yourself explaining. If your “feelings” sentence starts with “because” as in, “I feel anxious because...” PAUSE. That’s usually a signal you’ve launched into the PowerPoint version of your emotions. Pause for the body... ask, “Where do I feel this?” Not, “Why am I feeling this?” Your brain loves the “why.” Don’t let it steal the mic.Keep it simple. Say it plainly. Try: “I feel sad.” No lecture required. Let your body talk, cry, sing in the car,

scribble in a journal, dance to angsty music. Do whatever gets you out of your head and into your body. Practice in the therapy room. Therapy is a rehearsal space for messy feelings. If you’re a chronic intellectualizer, your therapist will gently call you out with care and remind you that feeling is different than narrating.

Final Thought:

Being an intellectualizer doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means you’re brilliant at protecting yourself. But if that protection has turned into a cage, it might be time to loosen the bars a bit. At CC&C, we see a lot of “head people” who are learning to reconnect with their bodies and feelings. If this sounds like you, therapy can help you move from knowing your feelings to actually living them... and that’s where the good stuff happens!

Reach out to our therapists at Cottonwood Counseling & Coaching at 801.513.1780 for an initial consultation!